| Patrick |
[Oct. 31st, 2005|11:27 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | travis "the man who" | ] |
Yeah so I've again fucked up my intentions of keeping this up to date, but I did receive these ims from my little brother Patrick (who is 14 and just started high school this year) that I thought a lot of "my scene friends" would get a kick out of. He has now gone from classic rock (Led Zepplin, Bob Dylan, The Who) to 70's/80's metal (AC/DC and KISS) to grunge (Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Bush) to possibly this... Oh man, I love this kid!
metalheadd6660: have you ever heard the bled?
metalheadd6660: they are good
metalheadd6660: i have been looking at all these new emo bands because of my friends
metalheadd6660: if you get on i will tell you more
metalheadd6660: or fear before the march of flames
metalheadd6660: or Bear Vs. Shark
metalheadd6660: i have to borrrow some of your cd's
metalheadd6660: but not like that main stream stuff like underground
metalheadd6660: you would like my new friends the are all like emo vegetarian liberals sort of but not like that
metalheadd6660: there not like scene |
|
|
| so if you care to find me, look to the western sky... |
[Oct. 14th, 2005|06:21 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ben kweller - "falling" | ] |
Just got to Seattle. If all goes as planned, I will be grossly hung over, full of good seafood, and tattooed by tomorrow morning.
Mighty Mighty BlueCo! |
|
|
| weekday update |
[Oct. 13th, 2005|03:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | busy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the shins | ] |
So here I am in Klamath Falls, OR. The drive from Eugene Oregon down here was one of the most scenic and breathtaking I have ever experienced in my life. I haven't had to drive once yet. Lots of the actors like to drive, which has turned out to be quite a nice break for me. I will probably drive a LOT tomorrow. We're driving 8 hours to Seattle and staying there for the night before we travel to Eastsound, WA, which is on Orcas Island. We have to take a ferry to get there and it looks absolutely stunning. I can't wait for the next 3 days - Seattle then an island in the Pacific staying at a Resort no less - ahhhh awesome!
We have a show tonight. Hopefully all will go well. The shows always seem to elevate moods. Although everyone is getting along really really well so far. Hope that keeps up.
So to catch up on past tour dates:
Sault Ste. Marie, MI:
This teeny tiny "city" is on the upper peninsula of MI, the last exit before Canada. In fact, half of the city is in Canada and the other in Michigan. I've never been more in the middle of nowhere in my life. But so far this has been my favorite trip. Maybe because it was my first trip away away. We had to take 3 flights to get there, 2 of which were on smallasfuck planes. We stayed 3 days and had 2 shows, both of which went really really well. We were treated like rock stars, which we most definitely aren't ;-) It's so funny to me to see the actors getting asked for autographs or people waiting outside the "stage door" for them. 5 of us went hiking, which was so incredible. We saw waterfalls, waded in a river, and climbed up, over, and around many trees. We also got some great backwoods cooking, which included fried macoroni and cheese nuggets, which was possibly the best artery-clogging treat I've ever had. Think about it - deep fried mac and cheese. Insane. We went out both nights, once to a most awesome karaoke bar called "The Satisfied Frog". The drinks were insultingly cheap. And the last day I got what is now my BlueCo staple - my captains hat, which I now wear at all performances and am now introduced to the audience as "Cap'n Meghan Teal."
Paramus, NJ:
Our hotel was right next to a mall. I thought of Kevin Smith...a lot. It's also kind of strange and comforting that being on the east coast just feels like "home", no matter where it is - and being there at my favorite time of year was a treat. My mom, Linda, Patrick, Adam, and Adam's bf Steve all came to the show, which was the BEST! We all went out to a diner after the show and caught up a little bit (but not at all as long as I would have liked.) Adam and I then drove Steve back into NYC. We had a ridiculous debacle regarding tolls and not having money to pay them, and then my being scared for my job and life with Adam behind the wheel (hehehe)...but I did get to drive around the city a little, specifically through Times Square to quench my thirst a bit for NYC. Adam stayed the night with me and grabbed lunch with Aimee and I the next day before we had to leave for Connecticut.
It was DIVINE to spend time with one of my favorite people in the universe.
Wallingford, CT:
We then traveled up to CT, which was very pretty but the traffic was terrible. We performed at Choate-Rosemary Hall, which is a co-ed boarding high school which fit just about every cliche you can imagine. Alums of this school include JFK, Glenn Close, and Jamie Lee Curtis, among many others. We got to stay in the "guest house" which was half fancy hotel/half fancy bed and breakfast. Soooooo nice. On our walk to the local bar, someone drove by and called us "fuckin Choaties"....that might be the richest I've ever been in my life - just someone assuming we were part of such a clan. Steph met a teacher that was staying there for the week who was from inner city New Orleans and displaced because of the hurricane. Choate offered 4 of her students scholarships there, and she was there to help them adjust. Apparently they are the only 4 african-american students in the school.
Miami, FL:
Last Friday we flew to Miami, FL to perform at University of Miami. We were running late from the second this weekend started. I didn't really spend any time anywhere besides the plane, the bus, the hotel, and the venue. All I know was it was HOTT AS HELL - ridiculous humidity - and reaffirmed why I could and would never live in Florida.
New Paltz, NY:
The next day we got up early and flew to NYC and drove 3 hours in hailing monsooning rain to New Paltz, NY. We were late getting to the venue. The tech sucked. I had lots of self-doubt and angst issues, but the show turned out splendidly. We went out to a bar that could not have been more like the Monkey Barrel. The bar sucked, the company was great. Aimee roomed with me so Andel could have her sister and niece stay in her room. We stayed up really late talking which was awesome, but not so much when I had to wake up at 6:00am the next day. We then flew home...had rehearsal on Monday...day off Tuesday...and into Portland yesterday.
And here I am. That's the practical shit. More on how I am actually adjusting to come later. I hope my touring adventures don't seem pretentious or obnoxious at all. I'm just excited and...well...this is my life now and traveling fascinates me so much, so I want to chronicle this time in my life as best as I can.
Love and miss everyone.
heart,
meghan |
|
|
| Until I get the motivation to update on my touring adventures... |
[Oct. 12th, 2005|06:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | grateful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | bloc party | ] |
Check out some pics and our musical director's point of view of recent tours at the following sight:
www.stephaniecruise.blogspot.com
In the meanwhile...
I am currently on the first day of an 11-day tour of the Pacific Northwest, with shows in Oregon, Washington state, and Montana. Right now we're in Eugene, OR, home of the U of Oregon, for the night and have our first show tomorrow about 4 hours south in Klamath Falls. Then we go way way up north and west by Canada and on an island in the Pacific Ocean in East Sound, WA.
I have lots to update on.
Mini-tours I've missed on updating:
Sault Ste. Marie, MI
Paramus, NJ
Wallingford, CT
Miami, FL
New Paltz, NY
Fun Fun Fun! And lots of adjustment! But I love it all. I mean really...to call this a "job" is almost insulting sometimes.
I love you all and I miss you all.
heart,
meghan |
|
|
| Milwaukee, WI |
[Sep. 20th, 2005|03:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  embarrassed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | wilco - yankee. hotel. foxtrot. | ] |
Well, I just shortly returned from Milwaukee, where we stayed overnight for a show at the Pfister Hotel for the Milwaukee Jewish Federation. And let me tell you, it was a fun-filled but also incredibly frustrating 24 hours that led to much self-flagellation.
Let's start at the beginning. I load up the ginormous prop bag, the keyboard, and the suitcase with all the sound equipment, plus my own personal stuff into the van, grab my lunch, the cast loads in, and we're off. I realize about 30 seconds into the drive that I left my coke back at Second City, so I am parched the whole hour and a half drive. No big deal right? Well, we get to the hotel...which let me tell you, may be one of the swankest places I've ever stayed...my room was almost as big as our apartment, no lie...anyway, a group of folks in the cast wanted to kill some time at the art museum before our call time, so I go to park the van and meet them on the street. As I'm getting out of the van, my phone falls off my lil pretentious cell phone holster and clatters on the ground. I pick it up, put it back together and head out. Soon though I realize that it won't power on. So long story short - it's completely broken, I had to skip the museum to find a Verizon store, only to find out that they can't fix it, they just have to send me a new phone for $50, which I paid for myself and it won't be here until tomorrow. Great.
I find my way back to the hotel, extremely frustrated, and just wanting to get a drink and chill out before my call time. I go back and the soda machine on my floor won't take dollar bills and neither will the one on the floor below me. So I go to the front desk and get change. Back up to my floor, insert change, nothing happens. I ask a maid about it and she speaks extremely little English and keeps trying to hand me a glass or shampoo. I finally get the front desk to deliver me some freakin diet coke and get about 10 minutes to relax.
Now to the grand ballroom for our tech rehearsal. I grab our humongous prop bag and head out. I get in the elevator and am looking at the bag and see a tag on it for Dre Robinsin, GreenCo's ex-stage manager. "No way" I think to myself as the blood starts pumping through me like a fucking flooded river, my ears pound and my jaw clenches.....I open the bag in the elevator and realize I have the wrong bag. There's is identical to ours and was in the space in the closet where our bag normally lives. Why in the fuck wouldn't I think of something so simple as to check the damn bag out before I leave? And on top of it, I have no one to call because my damn cell phone is broken.
The cast was super-supportive and helpful and we all figured out a way to use some of their props, go propless, or improvise some other way to do the show and we only had to cut one 45 second scene. While everyone ate dinner though, I had to catch a cab to the mall and buy fabric to concoct some makeshift ninja headpieces and an Irish kilt, then I literally ran (ok, let me be honest - speedwalked) back to the hotel, out of breath, flushed, stomach in knots and sweating. The show went off without a hitch and it was a shortened version anyway of the show we normally do, so for me to screw up this hugely, this was the best gig to do it on. I did find out later though that GreenCo had a home show and called Sarah to say they hoped we were having fun with their props. Great.
So...hopefully there will be no fallout from this. I think we all handled it well in the moment and saved any potential distasters that could have happened. I was mortified with myself, but BlueCo kept assuring me it was no big deal and not to beat myself up. They were champs with my complete lack of common sense. Ah...I still feel awful about it. I just hope to God I didn't shake Beth's (my boss)confidence in me, or piss off Jackie, GreenCo's stage manager. I guess I'll find out soon enough if I did.
After the show, we all (minus Steph) went out drinking at this place called Bryants. Tim went to college in Milwaukee, so it was one of his favorite places to go back then. They serve over 500 drinks, all with ridiculous names, and will gladly set any of them aflame. And you get a bumper sticker if you finish your drink. Some folks went out after, but Aimee, Andel, and myself settled into my room to talk some shit and eat some pizza and cheese curds. Good times all around.
So now I'm back and not beating myself up quite as badly as I thought I might be thanks to a very awesome BlueCo.
heart,
meghan |
|
|
| letter sweater |
[Sep. 16th, 2005|06:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  okay | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the get up kids "hannah, hold on" | ] |
BlueCo wants to get letter sweaters, like Richie Cunningham-style. Of course I would be part of a group that wants a "uniform piece" of some nature - it is my destiny. And I love it.
Check it out: http://lettersweaters.com/pricelist.html
Sarah, who's in BlueCo, received flowers today delivered to Second City from this guy Pat that was an audience member at our show last night. A bit stalkerish...but come on now, who doesn't want to be stalked? Let's be honest.
[Sigh] While happy for Sarah (because everyone loves flattery and she deserves the compliment on her looks and personality and talent)...it of course, in my 14 year old mind, got me thinking "Wow...that would never happen to me. Someone just randomly see me and have the gumption to find out my name and pay a decent chunk of money to send me flowers, just because I made that much of an impression." hahaha...I can't escape it. I am so non-scene emo angst girl. Ridiculous. But that, plus only getting 5 hours of sleep has put me in a bit of a malaise. Yuck.
heart,
meghan |
|
|
| same-day call-back |
[Sep. 16th, 2005|12:19 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hyper | ] |
| [ | music |
| | straylight run - "for the best" | ] |
If I was in a band, that's what it would be named. Because it's the biggest challenge ever for me, but accomplishing it feels great...like giving a huge tip.
I rode the bus home from Second City tonight and there was this couple canoodling (I hate that word but I had to use it once) on the bus right next to me, and it was driving me NUTS. I mean, there are only 2 reasons people engage in over-the-top public displays of affection.
1. They are so in love/lust, that they honestly completely forget that there is a world around them, with people in it that can see them, because they are so wrapped up in their love/lust.
2. They are insecure in their relationship so they need to somehow overcompensate for this by proving to others that they are indeed infatuated with each other. See! Look at us! We're infatuated! Obviously, this isn't done on a conscious level.
Either way, it was muy obnoxious. Or maybe I'm just jealous that that phase of my relationship is over or in its valley for right now. Who knows.
Anyway...lots to catch up on for the disinterested here.
Myrtle Beach...
I finally got the vacation I had waited for for almost 2 years, at the beginning of August. At first I though perhaps I was going to be massively disappointed because the weather wasn't much cooperating. But it turned out I got to do all the things I had been yearning to do - get drunk with my family, get a decently painful sunburn, eat steamed crabs, consume as much seafood as possible, get on a rollercoaster, read a shit-ton, remember what real heat and humidity is, spend some great quality time with my mom, linda, patrick, and even tyler - all with chrissy in tow, and swim in the OCEAN. It was glorious. And Chrissy and I also got stranded there because our flight from Myrtle Beach to Atlanta got so delayed that we wouldn't have been able to make our connecting flight to Chicago, so we had to stay another night at Michael and Gail's, get fed amazing meals, and miss a day of work. It was most incredible! And a first in my traveling experience.
Girls Night Out...
So this is the show that, when I was first hired by Second City, that I was commissioned to stage manage. It was a comedy revue, consisting of archival material and original material, dealing with women's issues, with a cast of 5 and one music director. 3 of those folks were touring veterans, and 3 were understudies for the touring company, and me...at the time also an understudy. We had a 2 month run at the Metropolis in Arlington Heights, which is a Chicago suburb about 45 minutes away, and the only word to describe it - Stepford. Freaked me the fuck out...but the venue was fantastic. Anyway, by the end of the run, 4 of us, plus our director, had been promoted. It was absolutely unbelievable. And I know Robyn's opportunity is right around the corner! I could go on about this experience for days...but I will just sum it up by saying that I made some true friends and some connections I haven't gotten to really experience much since moving to Chicago. I think I'll look back in a few years and see that "Girls Night Out" was a pretty amazing turning point (or starting point) for me...the time at which I could conclusively say "Yeah. I belong here".
The Best News Ever...
In late July, I found out that I was being promoted to a full time position with the Touring Company with BlueCo. There are 3 Touring Companies for Second City in America (all based out of Chicago) - Red, Green, and Blue. BlueCo's stage manager quit (before he would have been fired), and I got the job. I was to start at the end of August. Until then, RedCo's SM Josh would be handling things. I finished out Girls Night Out the first weekend in September, just days after I started on with BlueCo full time.
Goodbye CSz...
This meant that I had to quit my full time day job at ComedySportz, as Box Office Manager. I pussyfooted around this for a while after finding out that I got the Second City job because it was really financially stable. But I was driving myself insane working 60 hours a week, and stage managing a touring company really isn't compatible with having a full time day job. And to be honest, I was really done with managing the box office. So, I gave my notice, Monty got the job - couldn't deserve it more! - and my last day was August 24. I don't miss the job at all yet, but I do miss the people a helluva lot. I went to visit though this past Wed for lunch and it was good times. I had a kickass goodbye party at Joey's that resulted in much drunkenness on my part.
Life now...
So, I've been with BlueCo for just about 3 weeks now and I've been welcomed with open arms. Not only do I think I'm with the best company talent-wise (although Red is sooooclose), I feel like I'm with the best people. So far there isn't one person I feel like I won't have a blast with on the road, and most likely I will come out of my "job" with some really great and close friends. I love it and I really do feel like I belong, which as you know, is a major feat for me anywhere. Everyone has been inclusive, and supportive, and genuine. They keep marking my "firsts" - first show, first home show, first away show, first Black Orchid show. We have BBQs and go out for drinks after shows and eat dinner together before shows. It's an amazing atmosphere that feels way beyond a "job". Speaking of that aspect...I get paid on a per show basis. I have about 3-4 shows per week, and 1-2 rehearsals (which I don't get paid for). I've also been able to pick up other various stage managing jobs on the side there, like a kids show or the "Unhinged" Tues and Wed night series. And there is this whole other wing of Second City called BizCo that does work for corporate clients that pays HUGE. I am setting up an interview with them soon. But my touring company shows should be enough to keep me busy and paying my bills just fine for another 6 months or so. Summer is when it gets slow. We are going to be writing our own original "Dysfuntional Holiday Revue" for a 6 week run at the Metropolis, which will be great money and keep me in town for the holiday season...but may prevent me from coming back to Baltimore for Thanksgiving and Christmas, which will be weird and difficult too I imagine. I am still trying to work something out.
Point is right now - I love my life. I am living a dream and doing something I've always wanted to do - which is tour in some artistic fashion. I am learning 10 new things a day, at least, and making new friendships that will last. My social life is more awesome than it's been in a while and I have a hard time going to sleep at night because I'm excited about the next day. I haven't felt this great in a while. And on top of it all...I have so much more free time now since rehearsals are later in the afternoon. I get one or two FULL DAYS off per week now - which is something I can't remember having in a looooooong time. I can go to the gym, cook dinner for Chrissy when she has rugby, clean up around the apartment, take walks on the lake, watch my dvds, and read more. It's incredible and so freeing!
I am also now addicted to "Lost" and I HIGHLY RECOMMEND renting the season 1 dvds and watching them all (if you haven't already seen it) before next Wed's season 2 premiere. It's incredibly addictive.
I have also determined that my favorite beer at the moment is Heineken. Operation "like beer" is doing better than I thought.
And last week I officially became part of Actors Equity Association and accrued my first union hours.
And lastly...since it wouldn't be a true megha-entry without it...I miss my friends from the Bury immensely...more than you know and I always wonder if I am missed as much as I miss. And of course, though happy as happy can be, I am wracked with loads of self-doubt of course. So don't worry - I haven't gotten all egotistical on you despite my windfall of good fortune.
heart,
meghan |
|
|
| a cop-out of an entry |
[Sep. 14th, 2005|12:12 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | awake | ] |
| [ | music |
| | mae - everglow | ] |
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Meghan
2. Meg
3. Teal
____________________________________________________
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Irish
2. British
3. Native American
___________________________________________________
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. death
2. mediocrity
3. failure
____________________________________________________
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. caffeine
2. internet
3. laughter
____________________________________________________
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. old tshirt
2. nike shorts
3. glasses
____________________________________________________
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
1. understanding
2. adventure
3. lots of physical affection
____________________________________________________
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE/SAME SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. arms
2. mouth
3. hair
___________________________________________________
THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. not worry about what other people think of me
2. half-ass something
3. run
____________________________________________________
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. travel
2. develop new friendships
3. make out...well, and more...
____________________________________________________
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. producing
2. directing
3. stage managing for now
___________________________________________________
THREE PET PEEVES:
1. EGO
2. chicago drivers and bikers
3. organized religion
____________________________________________________
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. travel around the world
2. make a documentary
3. get married
____________________________________________________
THREE THINGS YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT:
1. chrissy
2. friends, family, and mcnally
3. coke...and pasta
____________________________________________________
IF YOU COULD BE ANYWHERE, DOING ANYTHING...WHAT 3 PLACES WOULD YOU BE, DOING WHAT:
1. with blueco, on the road, drinking and playing ridiculous games
2. in the UK, with my mom
3. at the frogg pond, with the "your mom" crew and VIP guests
4. with Chrissy - anywhere |
|
|
| Touring Schedule |
[Sep. 13th, 2005|09:39 pm] |
9/17 Paramount Arts Center, Aurora, IL
9/19 Milwaukee Jewish Federation, Milwaukee, WI
9/23 College of Lake County, Grayslake, IL
9/24 Paramount Arts Center, Aurora, IL
9/25 fly to – Lake Superior State U, Michigan
9/26 workshop
9/27 travel home
9/30 Bergen CC, Paramus, NJ
10/1 Paul Mellon, Wallingford, CT
10/3 Home show
10/6 Black Orchid (Chicago)
10/8 New Paltz, NY
10/12 travel day
10/13 Klamath, OR
10/14 travel
10/15 East Sound, WA
10/16 East Sound, WA
10/17 travel
10/18 Pullman, WA
10/19 Missoula, MT
10/20 Tonasket, WA
10/21 Tonasket, WA
10/22 travel home
10/28 IL Central College, E Peoria, IL
10/29 Elgin, IL |
|
|
| shit |
[Sep. 6th, 2005|10:33 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  giddy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | tegan and sara - if it was you | ] |
oh man. i really need to update this piece. i have so much to say. and all good things. i am over the top happy with life right now and instead of revel in it by myself, i need to share it. and i also need to chronicle all of my travels and adventures with second city in here since starting at the end of the month we'll actually be going far away instead of just to the suburbs around chicago. yay!
and becca! i need to call you and we need to talk for a loooong time!
but for now i gotta run...
heart,
meghan |
|
|
| yeah yeah, a real update |
[Aug. 3rd, 2005|01:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | okay | ] |
| [ | music |
| | tegan and sara - if it was you | ] |
The Good
Lollapalooza - went the weekend before last. Rachel and Michele came to visit and attend the festival with Chrissy and I. Man, those girls bring such good energy with them. And they even bought us some berger cookies and old bay - perfect gifts for east coast girls landlocked here in the midwest. I had to miss Billy Idol, Weezer, and the Pixies because of "Girls Night Out"...which I was really upset about, but it happened to just be the funniest show we've had so far (and probably funny for all the wrong reasons) so I ended up being just fine. Oh man...that cast of characters are fantastic. Some highlights of Lolla - Liz Phair, Michele living it up in a posh hotel with her rockstar bf, Dashboard (yeah, I said it, what?), OKGo (dance routine - fucking fantastic), hanging out with Kate from Stardust for half the day - what an awesome surprise, Tegan and Sara - wow, so sexy, so great. Sara got sick from heat stroke though and had to bail halfway through their set which was disappoint. But Chrissy and I saw Tegan walking around later on in the day - drool - Ryan, you can have Sara if I can have Tegan, k? Moving on - Ben Kweller was great but at that point we were all so exhausted and hot...took a long break and missed the Arcade Fire, which was sad...Death Cab finished out the night amazingly. I hope I'm not forgetting anything. It was a truly great weekend with truly great people.
Monday night was the Second City Gala, which I was, I admit, not at all looking forward to. But you know what? Turned out to be a blast. Got to bond with some of BlueCo (my touring company), drank a lot on an empty stomach - which let me tell you, is the way to do it. Cheaper and a lot less work. Caught up with Pam Hires on the way home - divine. God I miss her so so so so much.
My brother came to visit this past weekend (Thurs-Mon). Patrick's 13 now and this was the first time he was traveling anywhere by himself. He's taller than me now, which is just so hard to fathom. Such a great kid. He loves to shop at thrift stores and I let him spend entirely too much money - oh well, what are big sisters for? I am so proud of him. So great a time.
Last night I took Chrissy out to dinner for her birthday, which is Friday, but of course I have a show. We went to Greektown. Had some amazing Greek beer and a spread for dinner that was ... ugh, too good. I'm taking her to see "Wicked" on Saturday afternoon.
My last day at ComedySportz will be Aug. 24. I just can't do both (Second City and CSZ) and with this amazing new job/opportunity, my heart really isn't into managing a box office anymore. I am sick of always being on call. I am sick of the job itself overall. However, I've met some of the best people here and I do believe in the company a lot. It was the desk job of all desk jobs and I'm sure once I leave and my life gets just slightly less hectic, I'll really miss it. But right now I am just looking forward more than anything to not trying to juggle so damn much. It's getting really suffocating.
Monty will be taking over for me at CSZ and he got an apartment in Lakeview with the music director of BlueCo (Steph) - I am overjoyed for him. Can't think of someone who deserves it more.
The Bad
Remember that whole temper tantrum from last entry? Well, basically the situation is this: Chrissy is going to grad school in the fall. She's applying everywhere she can that has an MFA in either Directing or Theatre Education. The only schools around here that offer anything like that - DePaul and Northwestern, which each take 2 people into their grad program. So if she's not one of those four people, she'll be moving away to god knows where. Is this a year from now? Yes. Am I dealing with the possibility well? Not at all. Actually, worse than I thought I would. I cry about it probably once a day at least. It is just perplexing me beyond belief to wonder what the fuck you're supposed to do when you know long distance is looming right around the corner. Things are so wonderful between us, yet I can't help but feel like things are finite. You all know me and distance. Speaking of which...where did everyone from MD go? I feel like I haven't talked to so many of you in forever. And I've been better on the phone...so what's up?
The Ugly
Got in a huge fight with my Dad this morning. You know what, I can't even go into it right now. I have such major issues going on there, as there has always been. He's a lunatic. Every awful quality I hate about myself I got from him. It's so ugly.
So yeah...things Chicago-wise couldn't be better. I love it here, I love my new job, I love the fact that I'll be touring and living the dream...
Things at "home" are keeping me pretty down on that deeper level.
And I really hate this post. I apologize for the shitty writing and run-down of past events. I just felt like it was time for a proper update rather than a cryptic lashing out. |
|
|
| Dear Silence, |
[Jul. 31st, 2005|09:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | well, it's not silence | ] |
I really miss you. Like...a lot. When I get just a glimpse of you, I become a raging asshole once I realize I'll only get to hang out with you for just a few fleeting moments.
Maybe when we get to really spend some time together, we can discuss how it is that I'm supposed to work my ass off at something that isn't going to be there in a year. How I am supposed to make something my top priority in life, when I know it's just going to end in fracture. Fucking fuck long distance. And love. And the combination of both. Fuck dreams that fuck up other dreams.
And fuck that I'm so happy in life right now, but so sad in my heart at this very moment...
I miss my friends. Even though they don't seem to know it. |
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| smurfy |
[Jul. 22nd, 2005|01:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  intimidated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | jonah - my musical therapist | ] |
I've been feeling kind of blue lately. As anyone knows who knows me well, or who reads my livejournal, I am insecure as it is and suffer from tons of self-doubt and low self-esteem. Who doesn't these days? But I also tend to go through more extreme phases of insecurity and feeling intimidated, and it seems I'm in the throes of one right now.
Since I moved here I have made myself SO busy with my "ambition", that sometimes I fear I've lost sight of who I am. I don't mean that in a "I've changed and I have a huge head" kind of way. I mean it more in a way that I don't really have or make time to have more intimate connections with people, including myself. I don't often have much time to think or dwell on things like philosophies or long term goals or relationship directions. I just kind of "do" things right now and trust that I'll have time to think about it later. It seems to work pretty well and I spend a lot less time hurting than I did this time a year and bit ago. I simply don't have time to really get hurt and stay hurt over a lot of things that typically would have hurt me in the past because my life moves at 100mph speeds. And for the most part I love it. I am living my dreams in so many ways, but in other ways, I don't really have the time to take it all in and enjoy it as much as I'd like to. And to top it all off. I am so busy "doing" that I feel less and less creative by the day. I live in a world immersed in learning about and supporting other peoples' creativity, which I love...but where did my own drive to create go?
I feel uninteresting. I feel like I have nothing to offer socially. I feel like I think too hard about what to contribute. I love actors because they can open themselves up readily in front of you pretty much right away. Their personalities are big and bright and they are always "on." The downside of this? I don't compete in social situations, so I tend to allow myself to kind of fade into the background. I know a lot of people, I am friendly with a lot of people, and I know a lot of people I can "go out" with...but as far as close friendships, I have very few right now. Or at least I feel that way. (We all know how I feel and how things really are sometimes grossly differ). It is fucking HARD to make new friends in the real world. Let me rephrase...it's not difficult to make them. The difficulty comes in cultivating them and keeping them. There is no dining hall or student union or club or class or dorm hallway to see someone more than once in a day or even a week. You really have to try hard not to let jobs and time get away from you. And as we all know well by now...my communication skills in a long distance (distance by time or location) relationship leave much to be desired. And in the nature of the "business" that I'm in, this problem in multiplied because people are constantly coming and going. Living in a city means people are only here for short periods of time very often. They are either from here and wanting to leave...they get opportunities in other companies in other states...or they move out here and don't like it or can't cut it and move back from where they came from. More specifically, in the world of theatre and entertainment, you do a show with people or people do a show at your theatre and everyone gets close for 3 months and then you never see them again. Everyone has the best of intentions to keep in touch, but then it just becomes about the current cast and crew of the current project you're working on. Or folks get the chance to move to L.A. or NYC or wherever for a role or a gig or a job...
It's so discouraging and so frustrating. And then you try to connect with your friends from "home" and things just aren't the same. So you're just left feeling like you're 14 again - misunderstood and lonely and like you'll never "find your place." Angst Angst Angst And of all the social groups in Chicago, the improv/comedy world is the most close-knit and it just seems so impossible at this point to really break in, socially speaking. I feel like such a fuckin loser, is the long and short...
Chrissy said she feels like it's the part of the new person to make the effort. And while I know logically she is right (as she almost always is), I can't help but find that a little unfair. I mean, how do I know I'm not barging in on something where I'm not really needed or wanted? How do I know when I'm being a pest or not showing enough interest? Why do I still feel brand new after a year?
Nothing about this is easy...
But when I look around at all the opportunities and experiences I have on a daily basis, I know it's worth it. It's just hard. And that's I guess what separates me from some others...despite the difficulty, I still brave this new world. I may be socially inept, but at least I have courage.
heart,
meghan |
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| refresh |
[Jul. 20th, 2005|04:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | good | ] |
| [ | music |
| | mae | ] |
I never understood why people changed their entire online presence. Now I get it. And I must say, it is damn refreshing. Ry, I so see the need now to recreate your internet self. Sometimes the internet is your only link to certain people that you just want to cut out of your life, and the easiest way to do so is to change everything and leave no forwarding address. Less tempting for you. Less tempting for them. There are just some people who I don't care to know my thoughts or feelings or goings-on. And friends-only doesn't really solve that problem since I still want people without livejournals caught up (for those who care to).
Coincidentally, I am getting a new cell phone with a new number (courtesy of Second City) so the timing seemed perfect. I have a new screen name as well. August will be when all of this goes into effect in full blast. I can't wait! I want it to be like I fell off the face of the earth to some people. The internet is such a melodramatic medium. hahaha!
Rachel and Michele will be invading on Friday and staying in town for a few days so we can all go to Lollapalooza. I am so excited! I miss those girls and I know their energy will be so welcomed and enjoyed!
Then my brother comes all by himself next weekend to hang out, which should be really fun and also interesting. I've never been completely responsible for him like this, but he's a great kid, so it should be awesome. Chrissy wants to get him drunk. I want to dye his hair. My mom will never let him come back here unchaperoned again.
Girls Night Out is going well. I was sick as a frickin dog last week. I completely lost my voice. Ugh. But the show is the great, the cast is fun, and I feel like I know what I'm doing finally. Although I did have a minor debacle yesterday. So scary! Starting the last weekend of August I begin touring with BlueCo, and most likely will be leaving ComedySportz for a life on the road and financial instability. I can't wait!
heart,
meghan |
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